Before I get into this topic, I just wanted to put a little disclaimer out there. I speak about all these topics from personal experience so what I am saying is OBVIOUSLY not end all be all. Take what you want out of my writings or don’t! In all honesty, writing is an outlet for me and helpful for me. I just figured if I am writing it down, I might as well share it with you all in case something sticks out to you! My hope and prayer is that I would glorify Jesus, point all who read this back to Him, and encourage those who need some encouragement.

Ok. So now that that is off my chest. Let’s talk about friendship. Friendship and community is a genuine desire for most people. Most people want real friends, people that can become their village in any and every stage of life. People that they can confide in with their deepest soul level things. People that will care for them, listen to them, and be genuinely honest with them. People that will show up when it matters. People who will be there to celebrate with them and also mourn with them. People that will love their spouse, their kids, their pets, etc like their own. Most people want these kinds of friendships but what I have learned in this life is that most people do not want to be this kind of friend.  

This kind of friendship requires sacrifice. It’s hard, it’s inconvenient, it’s messy, and it’s uncomfortable. And let’s be real, this is not ideal for the typical American. We are SO “busy”, we have “too much” going on, we have to prioritize “self-care”, our kids are on “strict” schedules, if they don’t do it “for me” then I can’t do it for them, the comfortable / convenient list goes on and on and on. It honestly saddens me but at the same time gets be fired up.

We cannot expect to have true friendships when we refuse to be a true friend.

Philippians 2:3-5 says “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,^”

This verse has become so real to me especially in the realm of friendship and especially after having our Addie girl. There is every excuse under the sun not to pursue friendships as an adult and even more so after having kids. It takes sacrifice. Every decision Matthew and I make comes with a sacrifice. For example, if we stay up late with friends, we sacrifice sleep. If we get a babysitter for a double date, we sacrifice finances and time away with Addie. If we choose to go be with a friend in trouble, we sacrifice our normal rhythms / schedule. True friendship requires sacrifice. And you know what? IT IS WORTH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

Often times people tell us things like, you guys just have such a good village. I can’t believe all the people who are in your corner. You guys truly are blessed by all the people in your life. And guess what? THEY ARE SO RIGHT. The Lord has been good to us by giving us an amazing village and church family who love us and care for us SO well. BUTTTTTT Matthew and I have sacrificed a lot to get there. It wasn’t always this way. I am also not saying this to pat ourselves on the back or make much of us. I am here to share the reality of our life and hope it brings some encouragement to you!

So where is the encouragement you ask?? Since I have laid out the truth, maybe a little to directly… No apologies however. You honestly may be offended and I am glad you are. It offends me too. I hope it brings conviction as much as it brings encouragement.

With that being said, there are few things Matthew and I started to do and continue to do in order to pursue and maintain true friendships in the midst of our crazy life. I hope this is the part that brings you encouragement, guidance, and maybe some next steps when pursuing friendships.

1. PRAY. We prayed like crazy for several years for the village we have now. We asked God to bring people in our lives that were in the same season, who loved Jesus a ton, and wanted to share the gospel in our day to day as much as we did!

• SERVE. We got involved at church. Easy for Matthew to do because he works there right?! WRONG. Yes he is employed as youth minister but the time he spends with his serve staff is not a requirement for his job. He just LOVES people. I would say 90% of our closest friends, we served with in student ministry in some capacity.

One of the BEST ways to find your village is to serve at your local church. I do not care what ministry it is or how you make it work with your schedule. DO IT. Also, don’t just show up and do the thing. Get involved. Hangout with the people you serve with more then just when you serve. Ask them to coffee or for a hangout,, the more you are intentionally involved, the more these friendships come naturally.

SIDE TANGENT: Do not use your motherhood as excuse to get out of serving the local church. Yes your children are your primary disciples HOWEVER they do not have to be the only people you are pouring into.  This is a whole other blog post but I will keep it there for now.

• BE CONSISTENT. Matthew and I’s number one goal in friendship is consistency. We want people to know that when we commit to something, we follow through. Even when it is hard and inconvenient, we stick to what we say. Obviously, life circumstances happen, kids get sick, plans have to change, etc. However, we want our people to know they can rely on us, they can count on us, and we mean what we say. My challenge to you is, are you consistent? Can people ACTUALLY rely on you? Do people come to you for things? Or are you constantly going to others without being their for them in return?

• PURSUE. It is no ones responsibility to pursue you as a friend. If you want to hangout with someone, ask them. You are more than likely an adult or teenager reading this so hear me out. People do not know how you feel or what you think unless you say it. SHOCKER I know. Often times, people get in a slump of I do not have any friends, no one wants to hangout, etc. My question is, when is the last time you asked someone to hangout? You are responsible for pursing your friends. Period.

There is a time and place to let friendships go and move on. Sometimes friendships are only for a season but again that is a whole different blog post. I will keep it here for now.

• BE HONEST. Last point I will make. If you know me at all, you know I am pretty honest almost to a default sometimes. However, that has helped sustain my true friendships for a long time. I think we too often don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by telling them how something hurt us or a problem we have with them. But this is crucial to sustaining true friendships for a long time. No one is perfect. You will have conflict in your friendships. The way you handle it is so important. My encouragement, be honest and be willing to take honesty back. I care more about my friends then what they think about me. Be willing to say hard things, call stuff out, and have difficult conversations. It almost always ends better than you think and when it doesn’t that is okay. Let God shut the door for you. BUT it is always better to be honest and open then let bitterness, comparison, and jealousy stir up.

All this to say, I hope you feel encouraged, empowered, and convicted to go out and be a true friend. I pray that all of you find that community and village you are longing for. It will always come with sacrifice but it is always worth it.

Love, Sarah